The Guilty Party
by Magical.Fanfic.Maestro
Summary: SLASH James/Siegfried - James cheats on Helen, with Siegfried, and can't seem to shake the guilt.  Somehow, this evolved into a chapter fic.
1. 1: Crossing a Line

Author: the Fanfic Maestro

Rating: M for vague sexing, adultery, and angst

Pairing: SiegfriedXJames

DISCLAIMER: I own NOTHING. Not a single thing. Except my own, perverse and fan-obsessed mind, that is.

A/N: this is unbeta'd. Please inform me of any stupid errors I can fix. OTL

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><p>There is no doubt that Siegfried Farnon is a complicated man. Yes, at first glance, he seems cocksure, hubristic perhaps, infuriating most definitely, if one takes a little more time to know him. If one becomes more than a passing acquaintance, one sees deeper into his character. He is both terribly weak, and impossibly strong, his heart never quite sure if it wants to be guarded and hard, or tender and open. Yet, if one waits long enough, one inevitably sees all these aspects of his nature. He is himself, always, and those who are close to him see him at his best and at his worst, in due course.<p>

But James sees a side of him that others don't see.

James sees the Siegfried who catches his eye in the Surgery and gives him the subtlest of winks – just a flick of the eyelid, almost involuntary, and invisible to everyone except he who is watching for it. The Siegfried who conveys volumes in that single, secret gesture. James sees the Siegfried who waits patiently for James to tiptoe to his room, heart racing, desperate to keep his actions hidden from Helen, who sleeps soundly, none the wiser.

This hidden Siegfried is, like his more well-known day persona, a mess of contradictions. His gaze is both glazed with a sort of bittersweet nostalgia, (which James is honestly never sure is entirely for him,) and aflame with lust. His grip is all at once near-bruising and gentle. Those hands, which have brought countless creatures to life for decades now bring James to little deaths with a precision that makes his vision blur and his chest ache. When James recovers enough to handle Siegfried's person with some skill, he finds each groan, each whisper of encouragement as soothing as the most dulcet of tones.

They never pleasure one another with anything but their hands. Their mouths never meet, nor, often, do their eyes, but after each encounter, Siegfried smiles at James with a sort of wistful understanding as James washes the evidence of their latest encounter away in a basin Siegfried keeps ready on such nights for that very purpose. (The man is nothing if not thorough, when it comes to this.)

One night, as James rises from the bed to gather his clothes, he feels a touch on his wrist – just a light brushing of knuckles rasping over his cooling flesh. He turns to glance over his shoulder and is suddenly immobilized by what he sees in Siegfried's eyes. The older man smiles slightly, lips curling upwards just enough to fool James for a moment, before he speaks, hesitant and hushed.

"... sleep well, James."

And all at once, the hidden Siegfried retreats, locked away inside a lifetime of denied existence. James returns to his room, sliding into bed beside Helen and feeling sick to his stomach. He sleeps fitfully, and has terrible dreams.

The next morning, Helen makes a beautiful breakfast. As he bites into a piece of toast, James tries to force down the nausea he feels. Siegfried breezes in, all smiles and confident persona, and Helen returns his greetings with a sincere 'good morning.'

It's easy enough to slip away after breakfast, for a moment. Easier still to wash the evidence of sick down the sink.

Pointedly, James doesn't meet Siegfried's eyes in the Surgery, afraid of that look, and what he'd do if Siegfried were to give him that wink.

Two days later, even after getting a mouthful of filth, cow's blood, and birthing fluid, the taste of bile is still present on James's tongue.


	2. 2: Fractured Communication

Author: the Fanfic Maestro

Rating: M to be safe

Pairing: SiegfriedXJames

DISCLAIMER: I own NOTHING. Not a single thing. Except my own, perverse and fan-obsessed mind, that is.

A/N: Suddenly, an unexpected sequel appears... well, I guess this now has a life of it's own. This is still unbeta'd. Please (still) inform me of any stupid errors I can fix. Thanks! Also, reviews are love. 3

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><p>James doesn't know whether to be proud or disgusted that he goes a full thirty days (and three quarters) before finding himself in the elder Farnon's clutches once again. This time, the image of Helen's smiling face, that look of trust in her eyes, stays with him up until the dénouement, so to speak.<p>

Traditionally, James would have cleaned up and left, but after last time's little anomaly, Siegfried's little... indiscretion, anything goes. Making a conscious break from what he knows, James doesn't rise from the bed immediately afterwards. He's not sure if he can even stand – he feels as though he is living filth... less than that, even. Yet he can't deny he enjoyed the act... not when the very obvious proof is drying on his stomach.

Siegfried watches him for a moment, as if waiting for him to move, but when he sees that James is about as likely to budge as a statue; he rises with a quiet groan, pads over to the basin, and retrieves the cloth.

James is so focused on boring a hole in the wallpaper with his stare that he jumps when the moist towel touches his abdomen. He scowls and his jaw tightens.

"... James."

Siegfried, a man capable of a range of vocal volumes, speaks his name with the same voice he uses when soothing a frightened beast.

"James, given what just happened, I'd appreciate if you at least did something to acknowledge that you can hear me."

James responded with a shrug, still not turning to look at the older man.

"I've seen that look on Tristan once or twice. Never on you."

That gets a bit of a rise out of James, who looks over, eyes connecting with the topmost greying curls on Siegfried's chest.

"What do you mean by that?" he mutters, more coldly than he means to.

"What I mean, my dear boy, is that you look like I've deeply offended you somehow, and I've never seen you so angry, not at me. Exasperated, frustrated perhaps. Even a bit irritated, on occasion. But you've got a positively murderous look on your face."

"Well, I'm sorry my face isn't to your liking," James hisses, feeling stupid for being so cross. Siegfried sighs and lays a hand on James's shoulder, ignoring the flinch he feels under his palm.

"What is the matter? We were getting along famously, and all of a sudden you're absolutely frigid – I don't understand it."

"Oh, don't you?" James chuckles humourlessly. "Perhaps you wouldn't. I don't know. I always assumed you liked Helen."

The smile fades from Siegfried's face. His hand falls limply from James's shoulder, and he finds he misses the warmth it provided, in spite of himself.

"She... she doesn't know... does she?"

"No, of course not!" the younger man snaps.

"Well, then..."

Siegfried never gives any indication that he intends to finish the thought, so James finishes it for him.

"I really need to leave."

As he stands and hastily scrubs himself clean, James feels Siegfried's eyes on him, but doesn't hear so much as a whisper from his colleague. He tugs his clothes back on and makes for the door.

Back in the room, Siegfried smiles ruefully, wondering how he's gotten himself caught up in such an affair, at his age, and with a close friend, no less.

Across the hall, James doesn't look over his shoulder, to meet the eyes he's sure he'll see. In that moment, he doubts he'll ever be able to do so again.


	3. 3: Desperate Attempts

Author: the Fanfic Maestro

Rating: M in all, T for this one

Pairing: SiegfriedXJames

DISCLAIMER: I own NOTHING. Not a single thing. Except my own, perverse and fan-obsessed mind, that is.

A/N: the chapters seem to be getting shorter and shorter... I'm still unbeta'd, though not for want of trying. I have no idea where this is going. :/

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><p>The idea comes to him when he's elbow-deep in the rear end of a cow. James wants to dismiss it at first, but it stays with him, and the more he thinks about it, the more it seems like the perfect solution. Perhaps it is his desperation for an answer that makes it seem like just the thing, but he puts his faith in it fully and approaches Siegfried in the Surgery.<p>

As he explains it, he sees an infuriating sort of smirk appear on Siegfried's face. By the end of his speech, the man is barely holding back guffaws.

"What's so funny?" he sniffs, defiant, but with wavering confidence. When the first laugh slips through Siegfried's fingers, he crumbles.

"It simply isn't on, James. Surely, surely you can see that."

"Why not?" (He means to sound authoritative, but it just comes out weak and pleading.)

"Well, to put it frankly, I'm not attracted to Calum, James."

"That's rather selfish of you, isn't it? What of me, what of Helen?"

Siegfried sighs and removes his spectacles.

"What do you want me to tell you, James? You knew the risks when this all began."

The desperation builds and James can feel himself shaking with emotion. He storms out of the room, shoving past Tristan without concern.

"What's that about?" he hears the younger Farnon inquire.

"I haven't the slightest idea," Siegfried responds, too convincingly.

Sitting on his bed, head in his hands, James wonders what possessed him to think that suggesting that Siegfried 'moves on to Calum' would succeed. He feels like getting plastered, but worries what he might say and do if he does, so instead, he sits and digs his fingernails into his scalp, pushing the heels of his hands into his tightly shut eyes and revelling in the soothing clarity of the sting.

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><p>AN: Reviews are still love. :3 Please folks. Indulge me. A word or two would suffice - I'm a cheap date, lol. ^_^

UPDATED A/N: changed some wording that was bugging me


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